It's a Thursday night. The third date went well. Better than well: they laughed at your joke, remembered the thing you said about your kids, and walked you to your car without making it weird. Now your phone buzzes with I had such a good time. When can I see you again? Also, I'd love to meet your kids at some point!
You like them. You also feel a small, familiar tightening in your chest, because everything in you wants to say yes to all of it at once, and a quieter part of you knows you're not ready for that.
This is one of the hardest texts to word after a divorce. After years in a marriage, you may have learned to say yes, be easy, and not make a fuss. Saying "I want to go slowly" can feel like you're rejecting someone, or being difficult, or admitting you're more fragile than you'd like. It isn't any of those. It's information, and the right person is usually glad to have it.
The book calls the idea behind this the pace promise: you decide your pace in a calm moment, and then you say it out loud to the person you're dating. You don't say it as a test or a warning. You say it as plain information. The texts below help with the wording.
How to pick the right one
Start by asking what you're slowing down. It's usually one of these:
- The general speed. You like them, but you don't want things to get serious fast.
- A specific push. They've asked to meet your kids, stay over, or be exclusive, and you're not there yet.
- A moment that's already gone wrong. You said yes to something you didn't want, or they reacted badly to your pace.
Then choose the tone. Casual works early on, when things are easy and you just want to plant the idea. Direct works when you'd rather be clear than clever, or when they've already pushed. Warm works when you care about them and want the message to feel like a closer look at you, not a brake.
A few things hold for all of them. Say what you want, not only what you don't. Keep it short. And don't apologize for your pace. "I want to go slowly" is a complete sentence.
Add their name in the box and it's filled into the messages that use it.
Casual: keep it light
For the early weeks, when things are good and you just want them to know how you move. None of these ask for a response, which makes them easy to send.
had such a good time last night. fyi i'm a slow mover these days, not because i'm not into this, just how i'm doing things after the divorce
It leads with the good time and puts the pace right after it, so they hear 'I like you' before 'slowly'. Naming the divorce explains the pace without turning it into a big story.
ngl i'm really enjoying this and i also want to take it slow. no drama, just wanted you to know
'No drama' tells them this isn't a problem to solve. You're passing along a preference, the way you'd mention you don't like cilantro.
hey, lowkey i'm a 'one date at a time, see how it feels' person right now. hope that works for you
'One date at a time' is easy to picture and easy to agree to. 'Hope that works for you' leaves room for them to answer honestly.
random but i'm not great at rushing since the divorce. i like you, i'm just going to move at my own speed lol
The 'lol' keeps it light, but 'my own speed' is still a clear statement. You're telling them how it's going to go instead of asking permission.
Direct: say it plainly
For when you'd rather be clear than leave them guessing. These work well if it's been a few dates and the pace is starting to matter.
I like you, and I want to take this slowly. Part of it is my kids and part of it is me. I'd rather tell you than hope you'd guess.
It gives two honest reasons without going into detail. 'I'd rather tell you' shows you're being straight with them, not pulling away.
I'm not looking to rush into anything big. I'd like to keep seeing you and let it build over a few months. How does that sound?
It gives a timeframe, which makes 'slow' something they can actually picture. The question at the end asks for their view without handing them a veto.
One thing I want to be upfront about: my kids aren't part of this yet, and won't be for a while. It's nothing about you.
Parents usually get asked about their kids early, and this answers it before it comes up. 'It's nothing about you' heads off the assumption that you don't trust them.
I'd rather say this now than let it get awkward later. I want to see where this goes, at a pace I can feel good about.
It frames the pace as something that protects the relationship. 'A pace I can feel good about' is your standard, stated without any blame.
Warm: when you really like them
For when you care, and a blunt message would feel wrong. These let them see that slow is a way of taking this seriously.
I'm having a really nice time with you,. I want to be honest that I'm still getting used to my own life after the marriage, and I'd like to go gently with this.
It shares something real without asking them to fix it. 'Go gently' is a request most people are glad to honor.
You make this easy, which is part of why I'm saying it: I want to take this slow so I can enjoy it properly instead of rushing through it.
It turns the pace into a compliment. They hear that you want to savor this, not that you're hesitating.
Thank you for being so patient with my schedule. Between the kids and everything, I move slower than I'd like sometimes, but it's not because I'm not interested.
It thanks them for something they've already done, then reassures them in the same message. People relax when they know slow doesn't mean 'no'.
I'd like to keep seeing you. I just want us to get to know each other over a few seasons, not a few weeks. Does that feel okay to you?
'A few seasons' is a warm way to say you don't want to skip the part where you see each other on ordinary and bad days.
When they push
For the specific asks: meeting your kids, staying over, making it official, or a plan you don't actually want. Say no to the thing, yes to them.
I'd love for you to meet them one day, and I think we should give it some time first. I'll tell you when it feels right.
It says 'not yet' without closing the door. Putting the timing in your hands keeps your kids' pace separate from the pace of the relationship.
I'm not ready to stay over yet. I'm saying it plainly so you don't have to guess. I'm still very much into seeing you.
A clear, calm limit is easier to respect than hints. The last line reassures them that you're stepping back from this one thing, not from them.
I'm not seeing anyone else, but I'm not ready to put a label on it yet. I'd like a bit more time. Is that okay with you?
It's honest about where you are, which is more useful than a vague answer. The question at the end lets them tell you if they need something different.
Honestly I'd rather skip the late night. Could we do a walk instead? Twenty minutes and then I'm heading home.
It's a small, concrete way to say what you want. It also gives you practice at choosing your own plan instead of going along to be easy.
After they reply
Once you've said it, their answer shapes what comes next. These keep you steady whichever way it goes.
Thank you, that means a lot. I'm really glad I said it.
For a kind reply. It closes the loop warmly and doesn't invite you to re-explain yourself.
Good to hear. Let's keep it easy, then.
For when they say they're happy with slow. Keep it short and let the good answer be good.
That's fair. What would a good pace look like for you?
For a mixed reply, like 'I'm okay with it, but I'm not sure'. It asks for something specific and shows you're open to hearing their needs.
How are you feeling about the pace so far? I'd rather ask than assume.
A check-in a few weeks later. Slow is easier to keep up when both people know they're allowed to talk about it.
If it goes badly
Sometimes they sulk, argue, or go quiet. You don't need to win. You only need to stay steady and let their reaction tell you what it tells you.
I hear that it's not what you were hoping for. It's still the pace I need, and I'm not going to change it.
It acknowledges their feelings without handing over the decision. Kind and firm at once is hard to argue with.
I understand if this is slower than you want. I'd rather we both be honest than have one of us pretending.
It gives them a respectful way out. Someone who truly wants what you want will usually stay; someone who doesn't will usually say so.
Hi, I know my last message might have landed oddly. No pressure to answer right away, but I'm happy to talk if you want to.
For when they go quiet. One calm follow-up is fine, and it leaves the next move to them without begging.
I think we want different things right now, and I don't want to rush either of us. Thank you for the time we've had.
For when it's clear the pace doesn't match. It ends things kindly and honestly, without a long speech.
What not to send
Sorry, I know I'm a lot right now. I'm such a mess since the divorce.
It apologizes for having a pace and hands them a reason to pity you. You're not a mess for wanting to go slowly, so don't say you are.
I'm fine with whatever you want! We can move at your speed.
If you're not actually fine with it, this tells them the opposite of the truth, and they'll believe you. It's also the old 'I don't mind' habit, and it tends to end in a dinner you didn't want.
If my ex wasn't such a nightmare I'd be all in by now.
It puts your ex in the middle of a message that's supposed to be about you and them. It can also sound as though your pace depends on someone else's behavior.
So are you going to stick around if I'm this slow?
It's a test, and tests tend to produce defensive answers. Say what you want and let their reply show you what they do.
What happens next
Once you've sent one of these, the hardest part is the waiting. You might feel relieved. You might feel exposed, or second-guess every word. All of that is normal, and none of it means you said the wrong thing.
Look at what they do next. A good response doesn't have to be perfect or even graceful. It has to respect what you said. Maybe they say they're relieved, or ask a question, or simply carry on being kind and consistent. Those are all good signs.
What matters more is the pattern over the next few weeks. Do they check in about plans without pushing? Do they accept a 'no' to one thing without sulking about everything? Do you feel calmer as time goes on, or more anxious? Calm is a good sign that the pace is right.
And notice how you feel after sending. Saying what you want, plainly, and finding that nothing terrible follows can change how you see yourself. For some people, that's the first real sign that they've moved on from the role they played in their marriage.
If they don't respect it, you don't need to argue. You've told them what you need, and what they do next is theirs. You can step back, stay put, or end things. All of those are fine, and you'll know more than you did before you sent the message.
Whatever happens, you're allowed to have a pace.
If this is the kind of moment you're facing, Dating After Divorce goes much further. It walks you through how to tell whether you're ready, lonely, or trying to prove something, how to keep going without losing yourself, and how to bring a new person into your kids' lives at a pace that protects everyone. It's about an hour, and it's written for exactly this stage.
The words, decoded
- Slow burn
- A connection that builds gradually over weeks or months instead of all at once. People often use it as a compliment: it means they're taking the time to see who someone actually is.
- Talking stage
- The early stretch of messaging and dates before anyone has agreed to be exclusive. It's the usual place to mention your pace.
- Exclusive
- Not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. You can be exclusive without having said 'we're together', though many people mean both.
- Ghosting
- Someone stops replying with no explanation. It can happen after a message about pace, and it says more about how they handle honesty than about you.
- Love bombing
- Intense affection and attention very early on, often with pressure to commit fast. It can feel wonderful after a long, lonely stretch, which is exactly why slowing down matters.
- Rain check
- A polite way to say 'not this time, but maybe another'. It's useful for turning down a plan without turning down the person.
- Rebound
- A relationship whose main job is to stop you feeling something painful, such as grief or loneliness. Timing doesn't define it: what matters is whether you'd want this person if you weren't hurting.
Questions people ask
Is it too early to tell someone I want to go slow?
No. A casual line after the first or second date is fine, and it's easier to say before they've started to expect more. If it's been weeks, say it anyway: late is better than letting them assume.
Will saying it scare them off?
It might, and that's useful to know early. Most people hear a clear, warm message about pace as honesty, not rejection. If someone leaves because you wanted time, they probably wanted something different from what you want.
Should I say it over text or in person?
Either works. A text is a good way to say it in a few lines, especially if talking in person feels hard, and you can follow up in person if they have questions. For bigger moments, like a difficult reaction or ending things, a call or conversation is usually kinder.
What if I want to go slow and they say they want the same, but then they push anyway?
Watch what they do, not just what they said. One slip is human, so repeat your limit calmly. If the pushing keeps happening, that tells you something real about how they handle your no.